The Thin Line between Dreams & Nightmares
by chelseyb1010
Summary: Once there had been people he loved and trusted, and they were gone.


**Disclaimer: **Harry Potter & the characters that inhabit it are the property of JK Rowling. I do not make any profit from this use.**  
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**Author's Note: **This began as a response to the following challenge given in the Teacher's Lounge: "A fic of at least 500 words where a character behaves inappropriately given the situation. This can be laughing at a funeral, crying at a birthday party or some other strange show of emotion or action." It wound up as something different than I intended.

* * *

**The Thin Line between Dreams and Nightmares**

"To the future Mrs. Potter!"

Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew roared after James Potter's triumphant speech, lifting their pints. Some might say it wasn't wise to go out for drinks in times like these, war around the corner and people disappearing left and right, but when James had shown up with his news, Sirius couldn't resist. Besides, they could trust Rosmerta.

"How'd you do it, Prongs?" Peter asked eagerly, all but hanging off his seat as he waited for James to launch into one of his patented exaggerated stories.

James took a long sip of his beer, smirking. "It was brilliant. She never saw it coming, boys. I've been planning it for weeks, haven't I, Padfoot?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "He hasn't talked about anything else since he bought the ring. Lily this and Mrs. Potter that. Not that it's been any different since third year, mind you. Why don't you start with how you chickened out last night and I had to talk you back into it?"

"I had roses everywhere," James continued in a hurry as if Sirius hadn't spoken. "Candlelit dinner, wine, dessert, the works. She couldn't keep her hands off me …"

Sirius leaned back, stretching his long limbs and signaling to Rosmerta for another round. They'd be here all night, staggering in just before dawn and collapsing all over the sitting room. Lily would show up a few hours later and wake them with the aromas of a savory breakfast, chiding them with affection. It was almost scary how easily she'd fallen into the group, half a friend, half a mother. Not with James, of course. Although Sirius would never admit it to anyone, he'd been slightly jealous of Lily when she first began dating James and taking all of his attention. Now, of course, he not only appreciated that she made his best mate happy, but he liked her for her own sake.

"... She said yes, the ring fit perfectly, and the rest will be history!" James finished with a flourish.

They roared again, draining their mugs. Rosmerta, perfect timing as ever, swung by and deposited another round. "I hear you're about to be off the market, Mr. Potter. The world weeps."

"He's never been on the market, Rosmerta," Remus remarked. "Lily had him hooked before we knew we even liked girls."

She laughed. "And well I know it. I don't know how many bottles of butterbeer I gave to her, 'with regards from James.' Will I receive an invitation to the wedding of the century as thanks for the role I played?"

"Wouldn't dream of excluding you," James promised magnanimously. Rosmerta smiled and swept their empty mugs off the table. He waved his pint around the room, spilling half the beer. "You're all invited to the very first Marauder wedding!"

"And the last," Sirius commented, watching the sway of the barmaid's hips as she walked away. James gave him a quizzical look. "Oh, come on. Moony is too caught up in furry problems to settle down, Wormtail wets himself when a bird looks his way more than once, and it would be a crime against nature to restrict this body to one woman for the rest of my life. The skirts would rise in revolt."

Peter flushed while Remus looked cross, but James just laughed. Sirius hadn't seen him in such high spirits since Lily finally agreed to go out with him. "Fine, then. Just me. Marrying the most beautiful woman in the world with my best mate by my side."

He beamed at Sirius, who didn't quite understand. "Prongs, what are you …?"

"You'll be my best man, of course!" James declared, slapping him on the back. "And Moony and Wormtail, front and center."

A sudden rage swept Sirius. "James, you can't."

The laughter faded from his face, and hazel eyes crinkled curiously behind round frames. "What are you talking about, mate?"

"You – you can't invite him!" Sirius pointed at Peter, whose round face darkened.

"Come off it, Padfoot," Peter said with what sounded to Sirius's ears like a forced laugh.

"No, I'm serious." He stood, knocking his chair over. "And no pun this time. Don't invite him, Prongs. He'll betray us all."

Remus stood as well, always the voice of calm. "You've had your fun, Padfoot. Now sit down and let's have another round."

He wrenched away from Remus's hand. "No! Don't you get it? He's a traitor!"

All three were now standing and approached the frantic teenager, faces ranging from annoyed to angry. His shouting had attracted everyone's attention, blocking out his friend's attempts to hush him. He didn't understand why no one listened to him. Didn't they know their very lives were in danger if he didn't save them?

"He's a traitor! It's him! It was him all along! Don't do it, James, please, I'm begging you! _No!_"

**oOo**

The bride was beautiful.

Sirius could have told you Lily Evans was a fit bird since the age of fifteen (but only out of James's hearing), but today, all in white and glowing, she was beautiful.

Sirius thought he'd acquitted himself remarkably in his duty as best man. He'd thrown what he humbly thought to be the best stag party of all time, even acceding to Lily's wishes for no strippers, arrived to all events on time, kept James out of danger on Order missions, and stood properly during the ceremony. He hadn't even slept with the maid of honor, yet. He'd smiled during pictures and danced with anyone who asked. All he had to do now was finish his toast and make everyone cry.

Consider it a given.

"Ready, mate?" Remus asked, tilting his glass of champagne in Sirius's direction.

"I've been practicing it for days. They won't know what hit them." He eyed Mary MacDonald, Lily's bridesmaid. "Neither will she."

Peter sniggered. His face was already red from too much wine. "Do you – are you gonna –"

"Wormtail, why don't you take a seat?" Remus pulled out a chair for Peter, exchanging an amused look with Sirius. Peter never had been able to hold his liquor.

James dashed up, grinning from ear to ear, as he had been since the moment he woke up that morning. Something painful clenched in Sirius's chest. "Padfoot, it's your turn. My wife –" He looked fit to burst at saying those words. "- says to tell you that if your speech is anything less than family friendly, she'll –"

"Have my tenders, I know. I've been warned," Sirius finished.

He followed the groom back to their table, taking his seat next to the happy couple. He made sure to give Lily his best reassuring smile before standing and tapping his glass of champagne with his wand until all eyes were on him. Sirius always flourished under attention. This was his moment, the one time when it was alright for a man to tell his best friend how much he meant to him, when he'd impress the entire room with how mature and thoughtful he could be. And then the worst possible thing happened.

Sirius Black began to cry.

He couldn't stop the shuddering sobs from wracking his elegantly dressed frame. Peter began to guffaw, Remus stared at him, and James and Lily stood, looking at him with concerned confusion.

"Padfoot, what –" James began before Sirius cut him off.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"

Lily moved to his side. "Sirius, it's okay."

He sank into his chair, his legs unable to support him anymore, and reached out, clenching a handful of her white robes. "No, it's not okay! It's never going to be okay!"

The crowd began to murmur, sensing that it was more than just wedding day emotions, and Remus headed his way, but all Sirius could do was gaze at James and Lily beseechingly. They had to know.

"I never wanted anything to happen to you, I'm sorry, I wish it was me, _I'm so sorry!_"

**oOo**

"Sirius, I'd like you to meet my son, Harry James Potter."

Sirius stood so quickly his head rushed when James walked out the door, a tiny blanket-wrapped bundle in his arms. Hours had passed since he went inside, leaving Sirius to wait alone. Peter and Remus were out on a mission. He had spent the time pacing, assuring himself that all parties involved knew what they were doing, that childbirth wasn't dangerous even if they weren't able to go to St. Mungo's. That Lily, as much his family as James, would be okay, as well as the little future Marauder.

"A son? Blimey, James, that's – that's … and Lily, she's …?"

"Over the moon. And fine, if that's what you're asking. Tired, but fine." James never took his eyes off his son as he talked. "It's the most amazing thing, Padfoot. Most amazing thing I've ever seen. I hope you settle down enough to have a kid someday. I could never explain how it feels to fall in love with someone the minute you meet him."

It was moments like this when Sirius found it hard to believe this was the same person who'd managed to decorate McGonagall's classroom for Valentine's day, complete with fairies, and gotten away with it. He was still Prongs, up for adventure and ready to crack a joke, but his face carried a gentleness and maturity that was entirely at odds with the Marauder inside.

"Me? Settle down? You must be taking the piss, mate," Sirius japed. "I feel sorry for the poor old sod who winds up with me as a father."

"I hope you're joking," James said in odd voice. "Do you want to hold him?"

Sirius was nonplussed. "Hold him? Oh, no. Sirius Black doesn't hold babies."

"You'll hold mine. Sit down, Padfoot."

Somehow (Sirius later suspected it was the new fatherhood) James got him to sit and placed the sleeping baby in his arms. Afraid to move, Sirius stared at the child. He wasn't much to look at yet, still reddened with a rather squashed look to his face, but he had fine dark down on his head, and when he let out a tiny little sigh, Sirius suddenly understand the shining look in James's eyes.

"He has her eyes," James said, as if reading his thoughts. "I know you can't see them right now, but they're just like hers."

"He's beautiful," Sirius replied in awe. "You have a son, Prongs."

James sighed happily. "I have a son. And you have a godson."

Startled, Sirius tore his gaze away from Harry. "I have a what?"

"A godson." James wore the expression of the cat who ate the canary. "Of course you'll be his godfather. There's no one better, and Lily agrees."

"James, I –"

"Will be great. You know what it's like out there, Padfoot, what we're facing, and not just the world as a whole, but us as Harry's parents." His voice tightened. "If something happens to Lily and I, we need to know Harry will be with someone who loves him as much as we do. Someone who can keep him safe, who will fight against the evil in this world. You're my brother, Sirius. I won't have anyone else."

For a long moment Sirius couldn't breathe. His head pounded. And suddenly, "Take your son, James."

"What are –"

"Take him, now."

James quickly swooped down and relieved Sirius of the child. "Sirius, what –"

"I can't. I'm sorry, but I can't. I'm not good enough, not near good enough." He scrambled to his feet, grabbing his jacket and backpedaling.

"Come off it, mate," James snapped, trying to keep his voice down. "Don't be thick. You think we chose you lightly? Ignore the bullshit your parents fed you. You are good enough, and you will be his godfather."

"No, I won't! I'm rash and feckless and more liable to wind up in jail than raising Harry! Choose someone better, James. You have to keep him safe! Don't you understand? You have to stay safe!"

The sudden wail of the baby gave both men pause. The door behind them swung open, and Marlene McKinnon stepped out, glaring at both. Lily could be seen behind her, sitting up in bed, green eyes panicked at the sound of her crying child and long red hair a mess.

"What in Merlin's name are you two on about?" Marlene snapped, prying Harry out of James's grip. "For the love of all that is holy, shut it or I will make you." She shut the door behind her, whispering soothing words to Harry.

James's face darkened with anger. "I don't know what your problem is, Sirius, but I never expected you to react this way."

Sirius felt like the air was being squeezed out of him from all sides. He was suffocating, and he had to get out of there. He had to save them. "I'm sorry. You'll see, someday. I'm not good enough. I'm not a good enough friend, not a good enough brother, not a good enough son, not a good enough godfather."

"_I failed you all."_

**oOo**

With an inarticulate shout Sirius woke. For a moment, he'd had them back, James and Lily and Harry and Remus. And now …

He was in a dark, damp, stone cell. It was small enough that he could touch every wall with a limb if he laid down in the middle, occupied only by a toilet, a thin bed, and himself. A barred window smaller than his foot was high on one wall opposite the door.

He was alone. Just Sirius, the occasional passing dementor, and his nightmares. Guilt was his bedfellow, anger his cellmate, sadness his soulmate. How many times now had he had those same dreams, memories that turned into tormented delusions? He had no way of knowing, no way of telling time. Someone had once began scratching marks on the wall to pass the daily meals. Was that him, or had it been a prior occupant? Perhaps it only been days, and Harry was still a helpless baby. Or maybe it had been years, and Harry was now a grown man with children of his own.

He would look nearly exactly like James when he was grown, tall with Lily's eyes and – and his hair, dark and … dark and what? Happy James, lovely Lily, baby Harry, all began to fade away.

"Noooo!" he cried, reaching out with his arms to rescue the last tendrils of good thoughts even as they vanished. He didn't need to hear the death rattle nor feel the bone-deep chill to know what was outside his door.

When he stopped trembling, he summoned enough energy to transform. But even as a dog, Sirius couldn't shake his demons. Once there had been people he loved and trusted, and they were gone.

_No!_

_I'm so sorry!_

_I failed you all!_

_It should have been me._

_It's all my fault._

_Mine._

_All my fault._

_It's my fault._

_All._

_My._

_Fault._


End file.
